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Wednesday Wisdom
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July 2003
Jesus is everywhere. Not a good
thing says Wednesday 13
Holy
fucking shit! Jesus is everywhere! If you don't believe me
you just take a look around. I've been home for the past three
months on a break from the Murderdolls and I've seen Jesus
everywhere. I live in what's called the bible belt, churches
on every street corner - Jesus here, Jesus there, Jesus is
everywhereÞ hey,
that rhymed.
The popular thing where I live among the local churches is they
have a marquee out front with a clever (in their minds only) quote
referring to Jesus. For example, 'Jesus accepts knee mail,' or 'Wal-mart
isn't the only saving place.' Stupid shit like that. They actually
compete in the area to see who has the most clever quote.
Another popular Jesus thing is the, "We still pray' bumper
stickers. They are on about 50 percent of the cars in the state
of North Carolina. I've made my own merchandise to compete with
their stickers; 'We still Prey' t-shirts!
The locals don't seem to like it too much, so I know I'm doing
my job. Jesus is right next door to me as well. My neighbor spotted
me carrying some garbage to the street and he decided to be a good
guy and help me out. He said, 'hey buddy let me give you a hand,'
so I said, 'okay.' He helped me out and then he threw a Jesus suckerpunch,
he said, 'man, I'd love you to come down and attend my church,
I'm the preacher there.' I just said, 'no thanks, see ya later,
have a nice day, goodbye.' Then he said, 'you mean you don't have
time for Jesus?' I said, 'no.' Then he said, 'what are you gonna
do when he doesn't have time for you"/
Clever comeback. I just walked away, but I was thinking how great
it would be if he didn't have time for me at all and he would just
leave me the fuck alone.
I was at the mall the other day just minding my own fucking business
sitting by the water fountain and a little kid, maybe seven years
old, approached me. 'Are you Christian?' she asked. I thought she
was asking me if my name was Christian, but then she said, 'are
you a Christian, do you believe in God?'
I couldn't believe a little kid was asking me this! I said, 'no,
go away!' Then she proceeded to tell me that, 'I was gonna burn
in hell.' I said, 'cool, like the Twisted Sister song!"
She didn't get it.
She told me that she had thrown two pennies in the fountain and
made two wishes. One wish was that she had a sister and the other
wish was that everyone was Christian. I told her that would take
more than a penny and a wish. She came back again two minutes later
and asked me, 'have you ever been to Chucky Cheese?' [Chunky Cheese
is a birthday party restaurant for kids, with video games and rides
and shit like that.] I told her, 'yeah, I've been there.' She said,
'that's what heaven is like.'
Wow, holy shit, heaven is like Chucky Cheese? What am I doing here
living on earth when I could spend eternity in Chucky Cheese? That
would be the greatest.
Jesus is everywhere. Acey and I were checking into a hotel the other
day but he wasn't there to help with our luggage. So we get to our
room and who's sitting in our room in the drawer of the nightstand,
in his most popular book, the holy bible. You know, I don't have
a problem with people's beliefs but just don't force them on me.
Don't put a bible in my hotel, don't tell me that heaven's Chucky
Cheese, don't carry my garbage out and then invite me to your church.
Just stay away and keep your Jesus on a leash.
Sin-cerely fuck you.
----------------- WEDNESDAY IS FUCKING AMAZING |
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